I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
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Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.