I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
This line from Airplane.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!