Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Krampus.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June