crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.