[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
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Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Go hard or stay average
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
When I snag the last meatball.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”