[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
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ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh