*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
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priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?