Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.