I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Anyone really
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Yup!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers