*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Don’t make me out nice you.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.