seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
You Might Also Like
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair