BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
12653.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.