[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
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We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.