“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.