mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
You Might Also Like
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars