Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
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Somebody call the cops.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂