Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Air conditioning – not a fan
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?