I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Thursday
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The point of your 20s
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.