Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer