I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
kitchen magnet
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.