Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
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*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.