Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
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Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Is this a threat?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now