*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
me after eating Cheetos
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.