It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
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I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them