*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
You Might Also Like
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems