My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
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I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.