A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Simple