For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.