[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Somebody call the cops.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]