Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Always 🥴
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.