I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.