INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
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[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus