We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I have many caverns
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her