Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
me and the Superbowl rn
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!