There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
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Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Sing it!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast