after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
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Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999