No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Bella always knew her human wasnât particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed heâs been âlookin for the eyes.â
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wifeâs femur.
Only my kid could make âwhen we get home Iâm going to craft somethingâ sound like a threat
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
This should not be this funny I am sorryđđđ
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Spelling bees. Why arenât other competitions called âbeesâ? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I donât need to have any.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have funâŚ
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I canât get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
If i was married iâd wake her up with âhuh? what was thatâ 7-8 times a night