Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You Might Also Like
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
#CatsOnTwitter
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh