Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
the composer
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.