Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
You Might Also Like
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Not even remotely sorry.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
this is the news I live for