“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.