[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.