Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered