Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.