I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Growing out my freckles.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said