Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
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[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>