Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder