[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”