therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
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FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
That took me a moment.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
How animals would run if they were human
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
real
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.