God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.